Forgiveness Isn’t Universal

Some people find healing in forgiveness. Others don’t—and never will.

And that’s not a flaw. That’s not a failing. That’s just being human.

The idea that we must forgive to be whole is a powerful cultural narrative. It’s in our religions, our self-help books, our family advice. We’re told to “let go,” “move on,” or “free ourselves” by unshackling others from their wrongdoings. But what if forgiveness isn’t freedom for everyone? What if, for some of us, it feels more like betrayal of ourselves?

At its core, the refusal to forgive isn’t always about bitterness. It’s often about self-protection. Survival. Memory. When someone harms us—emotionally, physically, professionally—our brains remember. They remember because that’s how we learn. That’s how we avoid the same pain again.

Forgiveness, then, might be less of a natural response and more of a social expectation. One that works for some people. And doesn’t for others.

Some people need to remember in order to stay safe. To stay strong. To plan for next time. That doesn’t make them angry or unforgiving—it makes them aware.

Not everyone’s path to peace looks the same. For some, it’s silence. For others, it’s boundaries. For some, it’s “I forgive you.” For others, it’s “I remember what you did. And I’m prepared now.”

Forgiveness may be a virtue. But so is vigilance.